Guide And Help Blog

Relationship Advice Help Wanted… Prefer: Black Female Opinion*?

my name is A’nyeah & i am 20 years old and i am having some problems with my b/f…. he is 23, and we’ve been together since my junior year of H.S. (02′) he means the world to me but i just dont know, he has some problems, and sum issues & i juss would lik to get some adivice… love ta tlk ta sum sistaz bout muh problem so if u out there thn hit me up*
thank a lot,
*niyeah

Well thats Racist!

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That question brings lots of discussion, both positive and negative. Are black men and women at Civil War with each other as suggested by those in the media and academia? I often state that it’s easy to say in our relationships that we need to talk to each other more. But what if you don’t know how? What if you don’t know how to control your emotions, or how to fight lovingly and fairly, or even how to say what you mean and not what you feel?

Oftentimes, we express our emotions instead of our feelings. Now I know, you are thinking, “wait-what’s the difference?” I would say, “yes, there is”. Our emotions are anger, happiness, sadness that causes our feelings of jealous, depression, love or joy.

How do we teach our children and ourselves to deal with our emotions that will allow us to engage in conversation or provide guidance that can be informative, healing and healthily confrontational? Not all confronts is negative. In black families, we are easy to teach our children how to emulate society’s expectations of us. Perhaps, in a subconscious manner, to make our children appear less threatening (there is a cultural implications here). We even teach our children what type of mate would be best, but do we remiss in teaching them what kind of mate they should be? Is it enough to “act like a lady, but think like a man”? Do we as a community cause a disservice to our children, or even to ourselves when we fail to learn how to problem-solve or become solution-focused, how to face rejection or bad circumstances then how to overcome it? When we teach our children about what their high school transcripts should look like to get into the “right” college, do we fail them when we don’t guide and mold them to become, not just good citizens, but good mate or significant others?

When will we be willing to join others like Tony Gaskins, Jr. or Hill Harper, being proactive in the conversation about the state of our relationships and how to heal ourselves? Or are we only willing to engage in the self-destructive judgmental opinion of celebrity lives of those like Chris Brown and Rihanna? Black leadership begins in our homes. Whom are you leading and to where are you leading them to?

Talena C. Queen is Neek,the Love Coach,relationship coach and owner/operator of Couchtime.net, is delivering dating & relationship advice for the 21st century that is “Straight with NO Chaser”! “Let’s talk about what turns you on &..off.” The Love in Between….it’s about the love of self, others & life! Tune in and call in every other Wednesday at 11pm (EST) beginning August 19, 2009. Talk to Neek, the Love Coach…..

To keep updated on all of Neek, the Love Coach happenings, visit her website at http://www.couchtime.net.